In early '93, Grandpa and his family all moved from Vancouver, and our interaction with those in their Home came to an end. It was a heartbreaking day for me, as by that time, I was very much in love with Pete and was distressed to see him leave. Also, Daddy would be leaving and that made me very sad. I had really enjoyed the times we'd all spent together there in Canada.

Pete and Techi came by our house to say goodbye before they left, and it was a sweet but sad parting. Pete was tender and concerned that I was crying. As a parting gift he gave me a tape that he'd put together—a compilation of some of his favorite songs. And I gave him one of my favorite tapes.

We continued to write each other over the next year and maintained our friendship, even though it was at a distance. I kept all the letters Pete wrote me and those I sent him—even typing out the letters that were handwritten until we switched over to typing. What follows are the letters we wrote back and forth to each other over that next year which outline the friendship that we shared. These were all written in 1993, when Pete was 18 years old, and I was 20. I've fixed obvious spelling errors, and cut down the letters in parts so as not to bore the readers with irrelevant detail. Otherwise I have left them as is—Family lingo and all. Those not familiar with general Family lingo and acronyms may find certain things confusing, but if nothing else, those who have lived in the Family may find these letters to be an interesting timepiece of life in the Family in that year. And likewise find it just as interesting to see how much has changed in the Family since then.

Dear Bethy,

I hope you had a really happy birthday! Sorry this is late but "better late than never"! Ha!—That's my favorite slogan! I love you, Bethy, and I'm very thankful to have been able to know you for quite a few years now! You've always been so sweet and lots of fun too! We've been through quite a lot together off and on over the years and I'm very thankful to have you as one of my best friends!—You're very understanding and I think we like a lot of the same things!—Music, horses, etc. Ahem! Ha! Anyway, I hope that you will have a very good year and learn a lot and have lots of fun too! "Be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labor is not in vain in the Lord!" IRRLY! xxxooo!

Love, Pete

Dear Sweet Pete,

God bless you. I really love you and miss you. How are you doing? We have really been praying for you as you get set up in your new location. Well, it's been about three weeks since you all left and I figure it's about time for a letter. We are all doing fine here. Lots is going on, everything is really busy. We are just now getting over all the colds and what was going around. It was a real whopper and everybody got it. Some people got it twice, like me, I seem to be real susceptible to that sort of thing—colds, sore throats, and coughs. I was well for a week and then now I have it again. PTL! But everyone else pretty much is better.

We got our pool set up, all cleaned and filled and ready for use, we haven't gone in it yet, as it's still freezing (15 degrees Celsius), although all the kids can't wait. We usually wait till it's about 18-20 degrees before letting them in, and then all the brave ones jump in (and jump right out again! Ha!). We've been having lots of nice sunny weather—it rained continuously for about two weeks, but now the sun is coming out and we've had some pretty hot days, which is really nice.

Let's see, what else? Did you ever get your Heaven Bound tape? I found it after a few days. Jesse didn't have it, and I just happened to find it somewhere in the house. I sent it over, so I hope it will catch up with you sometime. It was really super fun to have you both over here for those few days before you left. You both really made a good impression on the kids here. It was so neat to walk through the house and see you here, it was almost unreal. I guess your "Childcare training" was a bit short, but I just wanted to say that you did really well with them; you really have a way with the kids, and the way you talked to them or read to them was really professional. I think that if you ever were in a position again to be around kids or to have to take care of them, you would do a really good job. I really enjoyed having you here, the dance and Twister game were especially fun. I'm really going to miss being with you like that, you were always so much fun and I have so much fun when I'm with you. XXX.

I'm sorry that the last time you saw me I was crying, I felt bad about that later, I had just realized that you weren't going to be coming back, and it was a shock and was hard for me, but I'm really thankful that I got to say goodbye to you, even though I was a disaster. I guess I don't take changes like this very well. I got two verses that were really good and helped me a lot. "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you," and "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord." I know I've said goodbye to you before, but this time was a lot different, a lot harder. I've gotten really close to you in these years that we've been together and I really love you. I am really thankful for all the times that we were together, and I do pray that we will see each other again.

Anyway, I guess I've run out of time here, so I'd better stop. I really love you, whole big bunches. Try to write if you have a chance, don't have to write a whole long thing like I have here. I have a lot I can say to you, but even just a note will be really nice. I love you and "...cease not to give thanks for you, making mention of you in (my) prayers; that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him: The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of His calling, and what the riches of the glory of His inheritance, in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power to (you)ward. Who believe, according to the working of His mighty power." (Eph.1:16-18)

Lots and lots of love,
Bethy

Dear sweet Bethy,

I really love you so much! Thank you for the really sweet letter you wrote me, I was so happy to hear from you! I was meaning to write you as soon as I could but you beat me to it, ha! I really miss you and I think about you often and I'm so thankful to have such a sweet friend as you and for all the fun that we had together! I'm praying that I'll be able to see you again someday!—I liked the picture, thanks. It was cute and I hope I'll be able to come back soon too, ha! Well, I don't think that is too likely, but maybe we'll be in a situation somewhat like that in the future, who knows? That would be fun huh? I'm really thankful that I got to say goodbye to you too, that was really sweet of the Lord! It was hard for me to take too, when I realized that I wasn't going to come back, and I feel that I've grown closer to you too, and I think you're a really special girl and I'm really thankful that I got to know you better lately and you are definitely one of my best friends! I'll continue to pray for you, and pls pray for me too! Thanks for the Heaven Bound tape, that was sweet! It's really neat about the PER ["Personal Encouragement Revolution"] revolution isn't it? Wow, a teen's dream come true!—It really shows that if we trust the Lord, He'll eventually work it out! You know, I'd really like it if you would send me a picture of you some time when you write me again!—But it's ok if it doesn't work out! Well, I do really love you and I miss you a lot. Thanks again for writing! Keep fighting for Jesus! I guess I better say bye for now. xxxx! ooo!

Love, Pete

P.S. I love you whole big bunches too!

Dear Sweet Pete,

God bless you. I really love you. How have you been doing? I got your letter, thank you so so much. It was really fun to read and really cheered my heart to hear from you. I was on cloud nine for the rest of the day, ha! I got it a while ago, maybe three weeks, but I didn't write sooner because I had written about two weeks before I got the letter and they crossed paths. Anyway, have you gotten my last letter? The one with the pictures? It was really funny, because I had sent you some pictures and then you wrote and asked for one. "Before they call," huh? Well, what did you think of them? Are they ok? Need any more or will they do?

Well, so much has happened lately, things are really hopping. Time seems to be moving faster now, which is nice. After you all left, it seemed like time went so slow, but now things are going faster it seems. It's been four months since you left—amazing, huh? When you were all here, the longest stretch of time that we didn't see you was five months. So in just a little bit that record will be broken.

I hope when I write you letters and tell you about all the things that we have been doing etc, I hope it doesn't make you feel bad in any way, like we're having so much fun. I wondered about that because you could be in a situation where lots of things are happening and you are having a blast and everything we write that we are doing seems kind of small comparatively, or you could be in a situation where things are pretty slow and simple and what we're doing looks like so much fun and all. Well, if that is the case then please rest assured that although things are busy and we do have a lot to do, it's not like when you were here and we would go out together or you would come over. Also when I write, it's about all the highlights, and the different things that we are doing or have done. It's not like things like that happen all the time. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that we aren't making you all feel bad with the things we say.

Also, let's see, I could tell you about music. I can't let you hear my latest tapes anymore or trade with you, but I could at least tell you what they are. I made a compilation of Christian songs from Straight and Narrow. Remember that tape? We listened to part of it when we were in Seattle. I took my favorite songs from that as well as from Above and Beyond, which is similar but I don't know if you've heard it. So the songs that I put on my compiled tape are "Straight and Narrow," "Sea of Life," (I really like that one and learned it on my banjo), "More than enough" (I'm not so crazy about the words, but I really like the tune). Also "When I Sing for Him," by Dolly Parton, "The Calm at the Center of My Storm" (that's a slow one, but it was so beautiful and really helped me). Another slow one like that is "Above and Beyond," and there is one other one called "I Have Decided." The last two are from the Above and Beyond tape. So that comp has been fun.

Also, guess what? I have gotten into classical music a bit. Horror of horrors! It must be because I don't have your influence around me anymore, ha! It's interesting because you'd never know what piece of music it was by looking at the title, but when you hear it, you remember it as being a real good classic piece of music. So that's been fun.

I got a video on banjo-playing from the Vancouver library last week, and it's really neat. It teaches especially Bluegrass banjo, which is what you hear at the end of Dueling Banjos. I had a book that was really good, but I couldn't get the timing of the bluegrass style of finger picking, so this video is really nice because it majors on that style. So I'm learning a lot. It's really fun.

Ok, well, this is over a page and I'd better stop or you won't even have time to read it. I really love you. I still miss you, but I really pray for you and I know that the Lord has everyone in His hands. I had a dream about you the other night. It was really fun. I think the Lord gives me those every now and then as a little shiner prize, ha! You know, so I won't miss you too much.

Oh, you know, I thought of an idea. I don't know what you'll think, but anyway, I was thinking, what if you typed your letters back to me and then it wouldn't take a long time for things to go back and forth? I don't know if that would be possible logistically and so on for you on that end, but if it was it would make it easier and faster to communicate. So what do you think? Of course if you can't type that could be a problem. I don't remember if you can type or not, but if not, maybe in some of your "many hours of free time" (ha!) you could play secretary with Techi? Anyway, I just wanted to throw this possibility out and see. If it doesn't work out, I'll be perfectly happy with handwritten letters. I'll be happy with any letter, even just a paragraph or sentence. Whatever you write doesn't have to be long. Please don't feel obligated to write long letters, just because I write long ones to you. I have a lot more I can say to you than you can to me. I just appreciate greatly anything that you write.

Well, gotta go.

Lots of love, Bethy

Dear Sweet Bethy

I really love you! Thank you so so much for writing me, I always really look forward to hearing from you! I'm so sorry that it took me so long to write you back.—I feel really bad about that! I hope you'll forgive me as I want us to be able to communicate a lot more often, and I think your good idea about typing our letters to each other will make things a lot easier and a lot faster! So thanks for suggesting that.

None of your letters have ever made me feel like you guys are having all the fun and we aren't. It was sweet of you to mention that, but really, I love hearing from you and it definitely doesn't make me feel bad, and I certainly never get bored reading your letters either—the longer the better—as I really like to hear what you are doing and thinking and what is happening there!

I've been working on Typing Tutor a bit lately as I've really gotten the burden to learn how to be a good typist and be fast too, ha! I can only type about 25 wpm and certainly need all the help that I can get, so I'm practicing whenever I can! My goal is 60wpm and I figure it will take me about 100 hours!—Oh my, that's a lot of typing practice! Well, maybe it won't take that long, but I sure hope it doesn't take any longer, ha!

I have heard Above and Beyond and I quite like it! Straight and Narrow took me quite awhile to get used to, I didn't really like it, but now it's kind of fun, ha! Frankie really likes it though—I think it's his favorite tape, ha! I think my favorite song on it is "More Than Enough," 'cause even though the words, like you said, aren't the greatest and are probably more for System people, the tune really is neat and...well, what else matters???—I'm just kidding, ha! Some of the songs from Above and Beyond I had already and the rest were pretty good, I thought, and I especially liked the ones from Amy Grant too, like "Angels Watching Over Me," and "I've Got My Hopes Set High," and "I'm Going to Fly" was also a fun one, but I don't know if that one made it on that tape actually. Did you like One Heart at a Time? That was my most favorite of all of them! We listened to it when we first heard Straight and Narrow on that trip, remember? Well I didn't like a lot of the songs but they really grew on me, and now it is one of my favorite tapes!! Sometimes when I hear a song I just know right away that I really, really like it, and other times some songs I think that I don't like so much, but after hearing them for a while I do end up really liking, and yet others, after hearing them over and over again, I still don't like them, ha! Are you kind of like that too? So if you don't have a copy of One Heart at a Time, try to get one from Barry 'cause I think it really is a spectacular tape!

But Bethy, I think you should know that I am gravely concerned that you seemed to have been brainwashed and deprogrammed into falling into the "classical music trap"—I never dreamed it would happen to you!!!—Mama Mia! That's certainly what happens when you don't have my good influence around any more to protect you from the grip of the classical claws! Well, at least I have stayed true and haven't defiled myself with the stuff too much! Ha!—No really, I am actually not as diametrically opposed to classical music as you might think, and I do actually like some of it sometimes, and I think it that it definitely has its place, no matter how small that place might be, ha! Eric really does have a good taste for neat classical music, maybe you can get him to lend you some of his other classical comps sometime!

I saw the video that you and Charity made and I really, really liked it. I actually have been working on this letter for quite some time now, whenever I have a spare moment, but maybe I'll try to make my letters shorter but more frequent. I really had fun watching that video, and I was very impressed at how you had learned so much on the banjo—and the guitar as well! Those classical pieces that you played were just beautiful!—It's amazing how musically talented you are and how many instruments you have learned! The electric guitar is very nice and I'm really happy for Nat and Dave who are learning to play it as I've always wanted to learn it, and I think it's a super incentive for them to learn the guitar better as it's such an important skill and one that they can always use! So thanks for the video, I really, really enjoyed it!—Especially seeing you! I love you a whole lot! Keep fighting for Jesus! XXXXXXXXXX OOOOOOOO!

Love, Pete

Dear Pete,

Hi! Oh wow, I got your letter today. So long!!! It was so super fun to read! Thank you so so so sooooo much! I really super appreciate hearing from you. xxxxx!

I'm so glad you liked the pictures and the video, it sure was fun to do. You are a very articulate letter writer, you know? I had so much fun reading it. You saved your comments about the video till the very end, so the whole while I was wondering if you had seen it yet and what you were going to say about it. Ha! I wasn't disappointed!

I was super thrilled to hear about your typing, that's really neat. Well, I guess it must be a bit of a necessity for you these days to be able to type, and "necessity is the mother of invention"! Did you know that there is a new Typing Tutor out? A Windows Typing Tutor. Do you have that one? It's really nice because it works in Windows and it's got quite a lot more to it than the other one. Well if you don't have it, I can always get it for you when you come...which brings me to another subject!!

I heard that you might be coming here!!! For a visit. I am so super excited, it's going to be very hard to wait patiently! I am really praying that it will work out. Of course I know that it's just D.V. and everything, and if it doesn't work out, I won't be too sad. But even if it doesn't happen, it sure is fun thinking about it. Ha! No, but really, I am really looking forward to seeing you. Daddy too! Hallelujah!

It's been really exciting to hear about all the different things that you are doing. Your trip to London, and now at the AAR [American Academy of Religion] meeting and all. It's a super blast to hear all the different news about the things that are happening, and hear about you and what you are doing. And all the wonderful things that people say about you, how sweet and loving you are and how wonderful you are. I already knew that of course and I definitely agree. I was super flipped also about the YA meeting there, and that you are going to be there. I am so happy for you.

Well, there, now you know what I know! Ha! Well, I figured I'd tell you since you are probably not sure what I know about. I'm so glad that you are able to travel with Daddy, that's really neat, it's so exciting. I bet he must really appreciate having you along. You must be a great big help. I was wondering, do you like doing things like that? Is it fun for you or is it a trial? I wondered if you enjoyed it, if it was a lot of work, or if you felt like you were being paraded around. Anyway sometime if you have time, I'd really like to hear what you think about these things and meeting these different people. What do they think of you?

Oh well, I had better wind it up here! I don't want to make this too long, or you might not have time to even read it. Thanks again so much for writing me. I'm glad you want to communicate more often, that'll be fun. I agree that a shorter, but more frequent letter is best. I love you so, so much and am super looking forward to seeing you again. It will be fun to catch up on things, talking, music, etc, Ahem! I can think of so many things that I have wanted to tell you and show you in these past months that it will really be wonderful to be able to see you again. The best Christmas present that I could ever have. My two most favorite men in the world coming to see me. How fun!

We really are upholding you and Daddy in our prayers, we all pray for you a whole lot—I've especially been praying for your health and Daddy's. I remember that you are quite susceptible to sore throats, so I have been praying a lot that you won't catch anything. Also, please don't feel like you have to write me back right away, just because I did; I know you must be extremely busy. Of course if you want to write or have the time, I would be more than happy to get it, but if you just save everything up for when you come that's fine with me. Okie dokie! Give lots and lots of love to Daddy for me. Thank you! GBY! ILYSSM! xxxxxxx OOOOOOOO!

Lots of Love, Bethy

Dear Sweet Bethy

I really love you so so very much! Thank you so much for writing me back—I really enjoyed hearing back from you so quickly! We just heard that everybody in Argentina is getting released!—And that Marq-o-bitch (ha) is declared "incompetent"!—Isn't that super! We're having a little celebration tonight for such a wonderful victory! TTL! He certainly has done great things for us and we sure are glad, hallelujah!

I really love you, Bethy, and I was so happy to get your letter, as I always am! I'm sorry that I wasn't able to write you faster or that this letter is so short, but I've been so busy that I thought that since I don't have time to write much now, and since you wanted to hear about the trip, I thought you might like to read the reports that I did to Mommy. Please don't show them to anybody else, and please don't tell anyone that you read them.—You won't, right?

Thanks for all your prayers for me and Peter on this trip, we really appreciate them so so much! I really haven't felt like I have been "paraded around" too much—maybe a little sometimes, but I haven't really minded, as it has been super fun to be able to meet everyone and see the different YAs! I'll have to tell you about that sometime! We had them all say a few words on video so I think you'll enjoy seeing that!—Oh, and speaking of videos, Sharon (Sara) let us see some of the teen songs that they kind of did a Family music video too, it is super neat!—It's better than that, it's terrific! They did it with the songs "Kiss Our Bitterness Goodbye," and "The Antenna," and "Taurug." (That one has lots of handsome boys in it, which I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing, ha.) I think you'll just flip over seeing them!

Well, what else? I have really grown to like working with computers, I really enjoy learning all I can about them! You sound like you know a lot more about them than I do. I have definitely gotten over any aversion to computers that I had before, and I really enjoy learning about how to work with them!

Well, I kind of need to go now, as it's getting late. Well, I really love you so so so much! I can hardly wait to see you!!! I must be patient, ha! XXXXXXXXXXXXXX OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Tons of Love, Pete

On Pete's 19th birthday, in 1994, he and my dad visited our Home at the end of a trip they had made. The day they came, I was sure was the happiest day of my life. It was a very happy reunion.

Pete remained at our place for several months after Daddy returned home, and I was looking forward to living in the same Home with him. In the months that followed, however, my interaction with Pete got rather complicated. For one, he started to go through a rather difficult period in his life, and secondly, while I had developed emotional feelings for him, as far as he was concerned, we were still just best friends. That put a strain on our relationship. I loved him a lot, and as much as I could, I tried to be there for him and be his friend, as I knew he was going through a difficult time and had begun to question many things.

After a month or two, he made it abundantly clear that he didn't want me around anymore. Suffice it to say that it ended up being my first major heartbreak.

With time, I got over it and we managed to live in the same Home for a few more months and be friendly with one another. Here is a note that I typed up and gave to him when he finally left for home. It's rather dramatic, I know, but I was still very young, so I suppose a certain amount of drama can be expected, ha!

To my dear friend Pete,

I wanted to write and tell you all the things that I know I wouldn't be able to say when I said good-bye to you. Because I would have either started crying, or they just wouldn't have come out right.

It wasn't that big of a shock to find out that you were leaving. I had considered the possibility before and had prepared myself. Still, I ended up crying most of the evening, as I know I'm going to miss you.

I can't say that life with you the past six months has exactly been easy. But I want to say thank you. You have taught me a lot—more than you know.

You taught me to love. You taught me to cry. You broke my heart, and that taught me how to go to the Lord so He could put it back together. You taught me to not live my life relying on feelings. And most importantly, I've learned how to forgive.

So a chapter of our lives is through and I hope we've both come out the wiser—in different ways, but both wiser nonetheless.

So all's well that ends well, and I do believe this is a happy ending to the story. I'm happy and I pray with all my heart that you will be happy too.

After he had been back home for a few months, he wrote me the following letter and he included a letter that he had written to another friend, describing in detail the period of confusion that he had undergone while he was at our place and his resultant conclusions. He wanted me to read his letter to her, so that I would better understand what he had gone through and what he had gained from the experience, since while he lived with us, he had been struggling and was uncommunicative.

February, 1995

Dear Bethy,

ILY! How are you doing? Sorry that my last note was so short! I hope that we can still write each other sometimes. So much must be happening there! I guess the houses must be almost all finished by now. Did you guys have an inaugural dance in the big living room of the first new house that we started working on? That must have been really fun.

I hope you're happy, Bethy, and challenged in your work. And I wanted to apologize for not being very nice or considerate of you while I was there. I look at things a lot differently now, and I would do a lot of things differently if I were to do it again. What's done is done, of course, but I hope you do know that I am sorry, and I do love you, and I still consider you one of my best friends. I'm sorry also for all the times that I was a bad sample to you, and said or did things that were out of it. I've learned a lot in this last year or so, from my trip, and from my time with you all, and from being back here, and Grandpa's Homegoing, and of course from you. I'm very thankful for all these things that I've gone through, and all that the Lord's been teaching me, as I know they're making a big difference in my life.

Anyway, XXXXXXXX! ILY!! Keep fighting for Jesus!!

Lots of love, Pete.

(The letter to his friend follows. Names and personal details have been removed:)

Well, I'm 20 years old now! Pretty cool, huh? I had a fun birthday. We had banana splits and we danced a bit too. It's funny—all my life I've always wanted to be older than I was, but when I finally got to be a YA, I was finally happy with my age and being older didn't matter that much to me. I don't know if that's the same with other people or not, but it seems like some people spend half their lives wanting to be older, and the next half trying to be younger, ha!

It's been so long since I last saw you, and we've both changed so much, but I still feel close to you, and I consider you a good friend and I hope that one day I can see you again! I heard that you were going through some battles recently and I want to say that I'm praying for you and I really love you a lot! I know that the Lord is more than able to pull you through this time, and make it a Romans 8:28 if you hold on and don't give up.

I went through a big time of lesson learning recently where I really came to the end of my rope and thought that I might not make it in the Family, because everything just seemed so hard. I just kind of lost the vision and the will to keep fighting. I guess it all started at a time when I was trying to "find my place in this world," so to speak, and just wasn't sure where I should be or what I should do in the Family. For some time, I had been thinking about leaving WS and going to a field Home, as I thought that maybe that's where the Lord wanted me to be, and where I could be more of a blessing and serve the Lord more. But because it was such a big decision for me and I wasn't sure if that's really what the Lord wanted me to do, I never completely made the decision one way or the other. I think that's where I made my first mistake, as I didn't commit myself to either staying or going, but was always wondering if I was in the right place, and not sure where I should be, or even where I wanted to be. Like the Bible says, "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways," so because of my lack of commitment to where I was at the time, I began to feel dissatisfied, unfulfilled and unchallenged.

At the time, my work consisted of mainly doing small handyman jobs and helping to clean up around the house and fill in wherever needed. But I wasn't happy with that 'cause I wanted a real "ministry" that was more "glorious." It wasn't only that though, 'cause I also wanted to have a ministry that didn't keep me bouncing around doing all these different little jobs and things, but one that was clear cut and well defined, which I could throw myself into and feel like I was an integral part of—one where I'd know people really depended on me, and that I could feel I was very needed in. Well, as Grandpa brought out in the Letters, the ministry that everybody has here in taking care of him and Mommy is one of the most important ones in the whole world, as they are the Lord's prophets. But unfortunately I was too caught up in my own little selfish world to realize that, and couldn't see the bigger picture of just how important my "little person" ministry was to the Lord.

Also at that time I was feeling more rebellious and unyielded towards the adults in the Home and towards all the rules and restrictions that we have in the Family. I think it must have started with my feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled, but then it grew into a rebellious feeling, and I started feeling like I needed to get out of here and go somewhere else in the Family where I wouldn't be squelched here by the adults and the rules, but could burn free. Another thing was that I seemed to have this complex that I didn't really have any talents worth anything, and I didn't know how to do half the things that other teens and YAs in the Family could do. I thought of everyone who can witness so much better, and can play guitar much better, and so many of the teens and YAs who are so much better handymen than me (seems I don't even use grammar properly, ha!), and on and on the list went of things that so many teens and YAs can do many times better than I can. I thought, "Here I am just stuck in this place where I haven't been able to learn hardly anything, and I'm just getting left in the dust while everybody else has learned so much more, and are even going on to new things."

Well, I guess this was a case of "He gave them their requests, but sent leanness to their souls," because the Lord worked it out for me to be able to go to another unit.—It wasn't exactly a "Field Home," but I had often thought it would be nice to be at this unit, and so I was very happy about this opportunity and thought that finally I had a place where I could really fit in and be happy. I felt that in a new situation with new shepherds, I wouldn't have to feel "labeled," and that I could start afresh and show what I was really capable of. My shepherds were very sweet to me, and tried to figure out what I could do and how I could help, and asked me what I had a burden for. I was virtually offered to learn anything I wanted that had anything to do with computers, pubs work or any ministry in that Home, of which there was quite a variety, and be taught by the experts in whatever ministry I chose. To begin with, I was started on some pubs work and typing, as well as some xeroxing. I also helped out on some handyman projects. Things went just great at first and I was very happy because I felt like I was learning things and being a help to the work.

The time came though, when it became obvious that I was there more for my own personal reasons of wanting fewer restrictions and wanting to be more independent, rather than to actually help the work that much. My shepherds knew that I had wanted to have less restrictions and tight control, and so they tried to be as accommodating as possible. But I became more of a "3rd class passenger," to where I wasn't being much of a help anymore, and even started to be a hindrance. I started thinking that I was again in the wrong place and that maybe I had made the wrong choice in going there, and again, because I was so double-minded, I became quite "unstable in all my ways" and depressed. Retreating into my "shell" because things weren't going right didn't help my communications with others either, ha! It really wasn't funny, but anyway. I would often wonder if I had made the wrong decision in going there, and where I could go to get back in God's will, but what I didn't understand or realize was that it didn't matter to the Lord where I was at that time! Where I made my mistake, and what made the Lord so sad was that I had gotten out of His will in my heart. I just couldn't see that the problem was with me and my attitude and not where I was or the situation that I was in.

One of the reasons I had wanted to go there in the first place was to learn new things, but I became very hard to work with or teach, as I was so full of myself and my own ideas that I would question the different things people would tell me and want to do things my own way. I was slow to take suggestions and some people didn't even want to be around me. One of my besetting sins, which is one I still haven't gotten the total victory over, is not being communicative and open about the different things that I feel and go through. I know that because of this unwillingness to open up and communicate, I hurt some of the people there who really wanted to help me through all these battles and problems that I was having. They tried to get me to communicate and share my feelings so they could help, but instead, because I didn't want to, I tried to push them away and distance myself from them by trying to be around them as little as possible and not talk to them more than I had to. This really hurt them and was a very, very unloving thing for me to do.

On top of all that, I wasn't taking my Word time very seriously or even very regularly. For the most part, I looked on it as a chore and tried to skimp on it as much as possible. I would put it at the very end of the day when I was very tired and most people were asleep so I couldn't do much else anyway. Sometimes I would read computer program manuals from about 12:00-1:00 a.m. and then have Word time from 1:00-2:00 a.m. which I would sometimes fall asleep on. I was supposed to turn off the computer I was using at 12:00 a.m. at the latest so that I would get to bed before it got too late, but sometimes I would disobey and stay up later playing chess on it, or some other time-wasting computer program.

I became more and more unyielded to correction and the Lord, and got very hard in spirit. I would dress in all black lots of times when I was feeling rebellious or depressed which wasn't a very good sample either. But I really didn't have to dress that way to show my unyieldedness because my spirit was so out of it that it didn't matter how I dressed, those same feelings would show through.

My poor shepherds. I really put them through a lot. I think, though, that if I had to pick one verse to describe them it would be 1Cor.13:4b: "Love suffereth long, and is kind." They were always so sweet and loving and never gave up on me.

My shepherds communicated regularly with Mama, who was aware of the problems I was having. When I continued to refuse help and correction, Mama asked the Home I was in if they could please get together and have desperate prayer for me and get something from the Lord about the situation and a solution. The Home got together and had a prayer and prophecy session for me in my absence, but I didn't receive the prophecies very well when my shepherds lovingly presented them to me and tried to read them with me. I felt like most of the people in the Home were just putting their own thoughts and feelings into old English words. I didn't accept them as from the Lord.

My shepherds tried to get through to me about what a bad sample I was being to different ones and the problems I was causing, but I had hardened my heart and didn't want to change because of my unyieldedness and rebelliousness to the Lord. Things were just going from bad to worse, and finally I began seriously considering leaving the Family. At first I just had fleeting thoughts about what it would be like, and I would just dismiss them. By and by, though, I would get them more and more often and I would start thinking about exactly what I would do out there and how I would live, and then finally when I should leave! I knew that I really loved the Lord a lot and wanted to serve Him, but I also knew that I wasn't going to make it in the Family if I kept up my rebelliousness and unyieldedness to different rules and ways of operating in general.

I had different ideas about what I could do or be in the System, but I thought that if I left I wouldn't want to "fizzle out for Jesus" like it seems a lot of people have done, but I would want to still serve the Lord in some way. I wondered what it would be like to join some Christian movement like "Campus Crusade" or "Youth With a Mission," and I thought that maybe I would be able to serve the Lord without having to live up to everybody's wishes and expectations. I didn't want everyone to think of me as "Davidito" wherever I went, and have to fit into that mold of being a "good sample" all the time and feeling like people were always watching my every move. I didn't always want to have that "others may, you cannot" hanging over my head. I wanted to be free and liberated from all that, to be my own person and not what everybody else wanted me to be. I wanted to be free from the watchful eye and supervision of my parents and Family leadership, but I figured that no matter where I went in the Family, I would always be treated like a "special case." I didn't want to leave the Family, as I was convinced that it's the best place to serve the Lord, but I just didn't know if I could stand the responsibilities and demands much longer.

Even though it was a real battle for me to confess my thoughts on this to my shepherds, I'm very thankful I did. I've often thought that it's cowardly of people who leave the Family to sneak off in the middle of the night instead of facing their shepherds and Home members and telling them of their decision. So I told my shepherds that I was considering leaving, but assured them that I wasn't going to sneak off in the middle of the night.

After receiving counsel, my shepherds offered that if I wanted, I could go to another unit for a few weeks and then go to a normal Field Home. I realized that I hadn't really ever lived the same life that most of our Family lives, as I've been in WS for all of mine, so how could I say I wanted to go to the System if I hadn't ever experienced normal Family life. I wasn't too enthusiastic about the idea of going to the other unit though, because I felt like they were just trying to straighten me out a bit before I went on, and I didn't like the idea of being "straightened out" very much.

However, the Lord was able to start getting through to me as I started finally realizing that no matter where I went, I was the problem, not my location or the people around me! It slowly began to dawn on me that I needed to either be a part of this Family with my whole heart, or I should just leave. Because if I didn't decide right then to yield and submit to the Lord's will and the Family's ways, then I might as well not even go anywhere else in the Family, as it would just be a big waste of time!—I might as well just leave right then! I've always hated doing a half-hearted job, but here I was living a half-hearted life! I was really just acting like a spoiled brat, wanting to have my own way and do what I wanted.

It was such a revelation to me when I saw that here I was trying to get out from under these rules and responsibilities and be "my own person" and independent, which I thought would make me happy, but instead of my dreams coming true, I was just miserable! Nothing was going right and I knew what the Lord meant when He said to Saul, "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks."

A great man once said: "The secret of life is the knowledge of death," and it's really true! We should live each day like it's our last, but I knew that if I died then, the Lord would be very ashamed of me. So even though I knew I was only going to be at this next unit for a few weeks, I decided that I was going to give it my best shot and just start to yield and obey! I was still feeling discouraged and depressed, but I knew that once I started submitting to the Lord He would help me gain the victories that I needed, and I was looking forward to it.

Here are the words to a beautiful song that helped me a lot during that time:

Some predict the time is close at hand,

Others say we have extended grace.

To bring the Word to every man,

Before we meet our Lord face to face.

What matters to me is the moment,

And my commitment to pressing on.

And I'm in this race and I'll run it,

Taking each day as it comes.

On the strength of a higher calling,

On a wing and an endless prayer.

Through the standing and the falling,

I will be prepared.

No man knows the hour,

But we recognize the season;

And I will shun that ivory tower,

For the Road that has a reason.

I believe in the Revelation,

I believe in the prophecy;

But the real equation

Is to count the days eternally.

I'm not looking for the Rapture,

But I want to live like the time has come.

And on the morning after,

When I stand before His throne,

And my name is called,

And I face my Lord;

I want to hear Him say:

"Well done faithful servant,

Well done!"

I knew that all I had to do was to say "yes" to Jesus, and then instead of me fighting both the Devil and the Lord, I would put my hand into the hand of God and He would once again be more to me than a light, and better than a known way. It was such a freedom for me, as even though I knew it would be an uphill fight from there, because I had gotten so far off the track in spirit, the greatest part of the battle was won with my decision to yield and obey!

It was then that, without knowing of my decision to yield, the Lord inspired sweet Grandpa and Mommy to offer me the choice that I could come back to their Home if I wanted to, because they were concerned about me and wanted to help. I was extremely surprised to say the least! I had often wished that I could come back here, as I knew that's where I started getting off the track, and I thought how nice it would be to kind of "get back on where I got off." But of course I never dreamed that I would be able to go back after being such a bad sample and so out of it. Actually I had a battle confessing that I was thinking about leaving the Family, because I figured that if I admitted that I was "that far gone" in spirit, then that would totally ruin my chances of ever going back. I thought for sure they would not want to take the risk that I would ever think about doing that from their Home, and it would be permanently on my "record."

I was so thankful for the Lord's and everybody else's love and forgiveness! When I got back home here everybody was so loving and sweet to me and didn't hold anything against me. The first time I saw Grandpa again, I was so touched by how sweet he was to me, as he treated me the with the same love that the Prodigal Son's father had for him. He even gave me one of his rings, which he said was a token of his love and forgiveness, like in the story of the Prodigal Son, and he welcomed me back to the father's house.

I still had lots of lessons to learn, and I'm still learning lots, but I don't think I'll ever forget that lesson of submitting and yielding to the Lord. It was just such a liberation and freedom for me to finally surrender my will, quit struggling, and let the Lord do what He wanted with me. I'm very happy and fulfilled now, but the funny thing is, I'm not really doing anything different than I was before. The only thing that really changed is my attitude—but boy, that made all the difference in the world! When I started to yield and change my attitude, I truly discovered the meaning of the words "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."—Life for me just took on a whole new meaning and I started being so much happier, it was wonderful.

I know that we are in very different situations and it can seem hard to relate to each other when we have such different jobs for the Lord. But at the same time, often we each learn the same types of lessons because the Lord knows that's what we need even though He might teach them to us at different times and in very different ways. So anyway, I don't know if these lessons and trials that I had are even remotely similar to what you are going through, but I thought I would share them with you anyway in case there's anything that I learned that could help you in any way.

I really love you a lot and I'll continue to pray for you, and please pray for me too!—You pray for me and I'll pray for you! Keep fighting for Jesus!

It pains me to read this letter today. It's clear now that Pete wasn't able to permanently resolve the issues that were affecting him. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about the paths Pete consequently chose, and know that because of his choices, he missed out on that "Welcome Home" in Heaven that was once so important to him.

Our paths in life took different directions at this point and I had little personal interaction with Pete after this. Some years later he chose to live a different life, one out of our Family. When I heard that he had left our group, I was relieved that he had made a decision. I knew he'd struggled and I knew it was difficult for him to be "Davidito," and in the last years he was in the Family, from what little interaction I did have with him, I observed that it seemed he had a difficult time making up his mind. Upon hearing of his decision, I hoped and prayed that he would find a small corner of the world where he could settle and live out his days happily, free from any of the responsibilities that his "title" required of him. I prayed that he would find something meaningful to do with his life that would bring him happiness and joy and fulfillment.

Sadly, things did not turn out that way, and on January 8th, 2005, he took his life after premeditatedly murdering Angela Smith (see http://www.rickyrodriguez.com and http://www.angela-smith.org).